Dismissed

Today has been excruciating to bear, mostly in my inner emotionality. I have been wrestling with my feelings and thoughts. I feel dismissed by others here, unintentionally excluded at times, like at lunch today. I don't know when the others ate, but I completely missed sharing the company of the men here and the meal by at least 30 minutes. I am sure it was unintentional, but it left me feeling like I didn't even exist to them. I loathe that feeling!

Perhaps part of my turmoil was a spiritual attack. I know I asked close friends to pray for me and felt peace suddenly rush over me a few times during my day. I attribute it to their prayers. In my grief and possibly mad anguish, I too prayed believing that God in all his forms was with me while simultaneously fighting feelings of being forsaken. I felt unexplainably vulnerable, weak, unimportant, rejected, and forgotten. All the words to explain things seemed to escape my mind and vocabulary as of yesterday.

I have had one co-laborer upon my mind greatly. My interactions thus far with him have been diametrically opposed depending on his mood it seems. Yet, for my work, I realize more and more how dependent I am upon him. I am afraid to speak with him because I don't want to catch him in a bad mood or on a day when he simply refuses to help me. I do not feel fully supported by him nor do I feel that he understands how integral our roles are to one another. Part of the breakdown I attribute to miscommunication and cultural differences. His sense of humor is the kind that most easily flies over my head and initially sounds somewhat offensive. I need much wisdom in knowing how to be graceful to him AND be certain that he understands what I need and is supportive in practical, tangible ways.

Additionally, I feel that the problems detailed above are somewhat the same with others here. I struggle to find my voice and have it be heard, really listened to, and most importantly understood. The dynamic of 20 men more or less and two women who must maintain somewhat distance is abnormal to me and also having negative effects. I spend most of my days thus far, alone, indoors in a cold office, doing important tasks that nobody else seems to want to do and that are completely off the radar for most here which leaves me feeling that my role here is not valued. I know the structure here is needed for the men who come from backgrounds including broken homes, alcoholism, and heavy drug addiction; for me however, the structure is somewhat stifling and borders on legalism which I have to naturally fight off in my own personal life. It seeks to crush the giftings and creativity that God endowed me with. And, it is highly frustrating to continually ask for the same things over and over (which are out of my control) only to meet fruitless results with little to no results. I knew I would need to be patient and make any changes slowly, but doing both at this moment leaves me incapacitated. I desperately need the person who would most naturally mentor and guide me in my role to physically return to Betel as well. Seriously, Lord, help me.

Neo Psalm

Neo Psalm
Written: 27 Jan 2011

Oh Lord, I cry out to you
My spirit calls out to you
like the cascades of the rushing waterfall
Pain spills forth
Struggling thoughts
Words evaporating from my mind
Indescribable Elusive
Journeying forward, not aimlessly,
but with the path before me only in darkness
Light penetrating Aid coming forth
This will not be the last time
This is only the next time
Fighting to see truth
and not believe lies

Thinking in Spanish

I spent 80% or more of my day talking in Spanish with Eduardo. I can tell that I am beginning to think in Spanish. That's a good sign. I am able to string more words together to make longer sentences. My conjugation still definitely needs improvement however. I am glad that he has helped me practice and encouraged me along the way. He will truly be missed when he returns to Spain in about two weeks.

Don't Walk By: Lower Manhattan

Spiritual Acupunture

Growing spiritual, difficult week. Compare my growth to acupuncture. Pain at first. Hits specific spots. Then release and growth, healing.

A day for patience

1/16/10

Today is a day for learning and growing in patience. This morning I got to spend several hours with my new friend Ms. L during the Betel church service, during lunch, and afterwards in a lengthy talk. I mostly listened while Ms. L shared with me her beliefs in God, showed me nearly 300 pictures of her family, her ceramics, her home, and her lovely, treasured garden. She believes that nature is God which is understandable since she was raised in Armenia during Soviet rule and while living there was an educational psychologist and scientist. She is also a philosopher and deep thinker. I am deeply thankful that in the very brief time that I have known her that she has chosen to trust me and share her thoughts despite her somewhat intense struggles conveying her intelligent thoughts with the English language. I am reminded of my great-grandmother when I'm with her and am in awe that my kindness (from God) has already touched her immensely; it is truly a blessing from the Lord.

Aside from my interactions with Ms. L, I was reminded that I am going to have to be greatly be patient with the men in the program here. I have been proactive to try and prevent things like ink running out of the printer and taking steps to get (very necessary) spare keys made. I know my requests haven't fallen on deaf ears, yet, these two requests and others have yet to be fulfilled for various reasons. I don't write this to criticize anyone; it is here as a reminder/challenge to myself to be gentle, patient, and supportive throughout my internship with Betel.

I am enjoying growing in patience as I help Eduardo practice his English and he helps me practice my Spanish. Eduardo says that my Spanish is good, but he's being extremely gracious. It's improving as I use it more and more, but I certainly wouldn't call it good. Today he asked me to read and translate some Spanish songs. There were some things I didn't know, but he helped me I was able to translate it all. We also talked about life in Europe compared to here and Muslim culture. Little by little I'm hoping to become fluent.

Lastly, tonight is a part of me growing in patience. At dinner, an old friend (formerly very close friend) purposefully antagonized me despite multiple attempts and requests to get him to stop interrupting another friend from telling stories of his recent music tour. As I write now, my heart feels sad about it. There are feelings and thoughts that I couldn't express to him. I said that I forgave him, but my heart is battling hanging onto the anger that wants to stay within. We disagree on key points of tonight's interaction. We haven't been close in so long, and I've recently been personally reminded of the pain and loss of our close friendship.

Don't Walk By: Midtown

Anniversary of Haitian Earquake

This morning is the anniversary of the Haiti earthquake a year ago. I am very mindful of it having visited Haiti, having flown into Port-au-Prince, having seen the president's house in the summer of 2008. I am reminded of how people helped others during that tragic time and how some only survived because of that aid. That is in a sense is what Betel does. With these thoughts in mind, I will spend the day working on the accounting.

The presence of God

This morning I first woke up around 5 am or so and noticeably felt God's presence in my apartment. I went back to sleep for a few more hours to awake again at around 8:30 am and spent some time reading my Bible. I have been reading through Mark for some time and was up to Mark 12:18-44. I was really gripped with verses 28-31 and the practicality of living out scripture. Later that morning during our Betel church service, God used two other people here to speak the same conviction to my heart. My prayer (beginning this morning) is that I don't just read scripture but live it out to the best of my ability in Christ, obeying the commands of God. I am thankful to feel that God is truly here with me and pray that his presence is noticeably felt among everyone here at Betel of America.

"One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." - Mark 12:28-31

Lea-Ann

I smile often here at Betel. One of the things that make me smile frequently inside and out is my new British housemate, Lea-Ann. I am thankful that she wants to get to know me, makes time for me, and is such a fun person to be around. Tonight we talked at length (again, HALLELUJAH Jesus!) and watched some of the Travolta version of Hairspray. During our talk and the movie, I stopped to inwardly thank God and appreciate this delightful gift of a person to me. Naturally, I smiled again! I continue to look forward to getting to know her more as I serve here.

Heart's desire

Today, I am working in the office. My heart's desire/goal is to work with excellence to the glory of God. I will begin going through the financial records and doing some accounting. I also have created a new system for receipts and have put it in place. It still needs to be explained to the men here.

Psalm 25

I woke up this morning with a desire on my heart to share Psalm 25 with the men of Betel. So, I went down to the morning devotional and shared it. It was a source of comfort and hope to me many times last year as I endured numerous struggles. Aside from sharing it directly, I told the guys that.

Psalm 25

Unto you, O Lord, do I bring my life. O my God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You. Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me. Yes, let none who trust and wait hopefully and look for You be put to shame or be disappointed; let them be ashamed who forsake the right or deal treacherously without cause. Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Guide me in Your truth and faithfulness and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You [You only and altogether] do I wait [expectantly] all the day long.

Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercy and loving-kindness; for they have been ever from of old. Remember not the sins (the lapses and frailties) of my youth or my transgressions; according to Your mercy and steadfast love remember me, for Your goodness' sake, O Lord. Good and upright is the Lord; therefore will He instruct sinners in [His] way. He leads the humble in what is right, and the humble He teaches His way. All the paths of the Lord are mercy and steadfast love, even truth and faithfulness are they for those who keep His covenant and His testimonies. For Your name's sake, O Lord, pardon my iniquity and my guilt, for [they are] great.

Who is the man who reverently fears and worships the Lord? Him shall He teach in the way that he should choose. He himself shall dwell at ease, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The secret [of the sweet, satisfying companionship] of the Lord have they who fear (revere and worship) Him, and He will show them His covenant and reveal to them its [deep, inner] meaning. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for He will pluck my feet out of the net.

[Lord] turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are multiplied; bring me out of my distresses. Behold my affliction and my pain and forgive all my sins [of thinking and doing]. Consider my enemies, for they abound; they hate me with cruel hatred. O keep me, Lord, and deliver me; let me not be ashamed or disappointed, for my trust and my refuge are in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for and expect You. Redeem Israel, O God, out of all their troubles.

Behind the scenes

Please keep myself and Betel of America in your prayers. Working hard here in the office behind the scenes to improve organization. Lots to do and desire to see Christ set people free here! Psalm 25. Share that chapter this morning as it has been on my heart for Betel since shortly after I arrived.

Settling in ...

Unpacked and organized my stuff some this afternoon. Haven't had time till today. Still so sad that my irreplaceable, personal belongings mailed from south Georgia while with my mom during Christmas are arriving in NYC in such a looks-like-a-car-ran-over-them state! Have yet to have some stuff arrive too. Hard not be overly concerned, so I keep praying that God will protect them and that they will arrive SAFELY. In all of this, I feel that God desires to teach me greater trust in him.

Don't Walk By: UWS

Tonight was the first Don't Walk By of 2011. The zone this week was the Upper West Side, an area know for old money and not many homeless people. There is a fabulous church in this zone that welcomes and serves those who are homeless and/or struggling in the area. It is called All Angels Church. Through the outreach, Betel now has one new man in the program. Pictured above are photos and video from this evening. Photo credits (except for last two and video) go to Caitlin Stiefel and Juan Galloway.

The numbers for tonight are as follows:

Volunteers - 240
Homeless engaged on the street - 99
Hosted at anchor church - 55
Assessed by Resource/Medical teams - 26
Transported to bed - 12
Transported to hospital - 2
Transported to detox - 1

Food Pantry

Betel of America has a food pantry for the community that is open on Saturdays. Today was the first one since before the Christmas holidays. I met the woman in the picture this morning. I am going to call her Ms. L. She is from Armenia and knows limited English but is highly intelligent and highly schooled. I pray that she will return and will be keeping her in my prayers.

My first week

Spent the past work week cleaning up and organizing the Betel office. I am concerned that one of the men here is going to leave soon. As such, I've spent much time in intercession for him and the other men here. I really believe one the greatest support roles I will have here is that of an intercessor behind the scenes. For all that God almighty wants to do, I am confident that Satan wants to be uber destructive.

I also spent some time in preparation and planning for Don't Walk By which begins on Saturday. I am REALLY excited about my third year with DWB and my new role due to my internship!

Fri Night Church: NYSUM

My weekend plans

Going to be busy this weekend. First Betel community church service on Fri eve. Don't Walk By starts on Sat. My third year! Love this outreach to those who are homeless in NYC. Hope some will come into Betel through DWB. Then Sun eve, it's time with my friends and family at Trinity Grace Church in Chelsea.

Spanish exchange

Still loving Betel and getting to use my Spanish here. I have agreed to help two guys here learn English in exchange for Spanish lessons. Lovely!

What is Betel?

Q: So, what is Betel and more specifically Betel of America exactly?

A: Betel started in the 1980's in Spain in part by Elliot Tepper and his wife. Their son David Tepper and wife Naomi currently run Betel of America. The organization is international and is currently in roughly 20 countries. It is also a part of WEC International, a global missions organization. Betel of America has existed in New York City since 1995 beginning in Brooklyn and then moving to Queens. The current location in Astoria can house and rehabilitate 30 men, and the site itself has been utilized by Betel since 2000. When men enter Betel of America they are encouraged to abide for 12-18 months but are free to leave at any time. It is a free program funded by housing clearances, sales of metal and precious jewels, gifts from churches and generous folks, and sales of furniture and antique goods in Nook n' Crannie.

Q: Where does the name "Betel" come from?

A: Betel is the Spanish form of the word "Bethel." The name is taken from Genesis 28:16-17, and 19. In those verses Jacob says the following:

"Surely the Lord is in this place; and I knew it not ... How awesome is this place! This is none other than the House of God, and this is the gate of Heaven ... And he called the name of that place Bethel."

Q: What makes Betel distinct from other Christian rehab programs or ministries?

A: There are 10 distinct differences between this program and others. These distinctions are taken from Elliot Tepper's A Profile of a Peculiar People: The 10 Distinctives of Betel. They as follows:

1 - We are a desperate people helping desperate people, particularly the addicts, the alcoholics, and the marginalized (prostitutes and homeless).
2 - We are a church planting ministry.
3 - Our rehab communities are peer-driven and peer-led.
4 - We take great risks with risky people by entrusting them with responsibility both in jobs and ministry.
5 - We place special emphasis on the cross and its resurrection power and victory in our daily lives and tasks.
6 - We are a Great Commission people who have birthed new churches and send out missionaries.
7 - We believe that the Gospel restores not just the individual but the whole family.
8 - We believe that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).
9 - Betel works and is free.
10 - Betel is a calling for some and a place to rest and to heal for others.

Beginning with Betel

Beginning with Betel (of America). That is how I'm starting off my 2011. In the very brief time I've been here, I am already LOVING my new home in Astoria. Thank you (literally) Jesus! :) I needed a fresh and joyful start, and that is exactly what you have given me. I've already laughed so much today and been at peace with this new internship. Still lots to be figured out as far as the exact nature of my role, but I will be using my gifts of organization and structure immediately as we all await the return of the Tepper family, the leaders of this Christian rehab community.