Dismissed

Today has been excruciating to bear, mostly in my inner emotionality. I have been wrestling with my feelings and thoughts. I feel dismissed by others here, unintentionally excluded at times, like at lunch today. I don't know when the others ate, but I completely missed sharing the company of the men here and the meal by at least 30 minutes. I am sure it was unintentional, but it left me feeling like I didn't even exist to them. I loathe that feeling!

Perhaps part of my turmoil was a spiritual attack. I know I asked close friends to pray for me and felt peace suddenly rush over me a few times during my day. I attribute it to their prayers. In my grief and possibly mad anguish, I too prayed believing that God in all his forms was with me while simultaneously fighting feelings of being forsaken. I felt unexplainably vulnerable, weak, unimportant, rejected, and forgotten. All the words to explain things seemed to escape my mind and vocabulary as of yesterday.

I have had one co-laborer upon my mind greatly. My interactions thus far with him have been diametrically opposed depending on his mood it seems. Yet, for my work, I realize more and more how dependent I am upon him. I am afraid to speak with him because I don't want to catch him in a bad mood or on a day when he simply refuses to help me. I do not feel fully supported by him nor do I feel that he understands how integral our roles are to one another. Part of the breakdown I attribute to miscommunication and cultural differences. His sense of humor is the kind that most easily flies over my head and initially sounds somewhat offensive. I need much wisdom in knowing how to be graceful to him AND be certain that he understands what I need and is supportive in practical, tangible ways.

Additionally, I feel that the problems detailed above are somewhat the same with others here. I struggle to find my voice and have it be heard, really listened to, and most importantly understood. The dynamic of 20 men more or less and two women who must maintain somewhat distance is abnormal to me and also having negative effects. I spend most of my days thus far, alone, indoors in a cold office, doing important tasks that nobody else seems to want to do and that are completely off the radar for most here which leaves me feeling that my role here is not valued. I know the structure here is needed for the men who come from backgrounds including broken homes, alcoholism, and heavy drug addiction; for me however, the structure is somewhat stifling and borders on legalism which I have to naturally fight off in my own personal life. It seeks to crush the giftings and creativity that God endowed me with. And, it is highly frustrating to continually ask for the same things over and over (which are out of my control) only to meet fruitless results with little to no results. I knew I would need to be patient and make any changes slowly, but doing both at this moment leaves me incapacitated. I desperately need the person who would most naturally mentor and guide me in my role to physically return to Betel as well. Seriously, Lord, help me.